Zarith Sofea Anne

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Why?

You get up every morning asking the same damn question. But you still jump off the bed, brush your teeth and go straight to take a bath. Because you know the answer. You don't want to end the suffering. You don't love yourself that much. So you let yourself struggle everyday. Now you see, you don't eat not because you are maintaining your figure. You don't eat because you deserve to starve. You deserve it for those late night snacks and sodas. You have 5 minute workout not because of a healthy life style. You do it because you don't like what you see in the mirror. 

In the mirror, you see a girl with blooshot eyes and chapped lips. Uneven skin tone that you will cover up with super cheap foundation and a concealer that doesn't even blend well. You'll start with your eyebrows. Then put some mascara and your signature winged eyeliner. You'll have this nude lipstick that makes you look sick. But you don't care because you probably are and that is what you see in magazines. You will try hundred of dresses before you decided on that black mini dress and ankle boots. You can never go wrong with those. But one quick look tells you otherwise. Everything is wrong. From your damaged dyed hair to those worn out ankle boots. 

Your day consists of fake smiles, rehearsed words, and pretending you give a fuck. It's hard to see humanity in others when you can't even find it in yourself. But your bestfriend is functionality. You act like you are always okay. People might even look up to you. Everyone thinks you got it all figure out. But you actually hate yourself more for lying them. Because you know that you're not. People will compliment your black hair. Or how blonde hair looks good on you. And that maybe you should try green hair. Because they don't know you need to cover up all the things you don't like about yourself.  You actually dread changing it every two weeks or so. But you have to because their compliments mean absolutely nothing. And you can't tell people all of this so you will just smile and say thank you. 

You will joke with your friends how couples are so lame. You will even say you hate them and laugh whenever they asked about love. But you know you don't despise love, you just hate yourself so much thinking you don't deserve to feel something so precious. And I know you think you don't need help or that you are lost cause. But my dear, don't close your doors. Don't let hatred build a wall around you. I am sorry you feel all those things. Don't listen to those that tell you that you need to love yourself before they could love you. 

I promise that someone will be there to love all the hatred inside you. Someone will love you so much enough for the both of you. And eventually you will realize and you'll start loving yourself. Someone will be there for you binge eating chips and coke late at night. You'll both wait for the sunrise and will watch you make breakfast with your pajamas and messy hair. Someone will be there to motivate you to continue a healthy lifestyle. You'll both workout together because you both are not getting any younger. 

Someone will tell you about the future and you will be suprised you are not afraid of it anymore. Someone will love your off fleek eyebrows. Someone will kiss your chapped and cold lips, SOmeone will keep tou warm and comforted. Someone will get fascinated with your hair. Making you giggle all the time. Someone will tell you that you painted their life the colors of rainbow. 

Someone will make you feel so loved, till you forget why you even hate yourself. You just gotta sit back and relax. Everything will be alright. You will find that "someone" sooner or later. 


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